Thanks Facebook: One Hilarious (non/maybe) Coping Mechanism

If April showers bring May flowers, then June brings.... heat.

So it's June. And I live in America. So I'm hurting. Many are heated. A lot. I have had numerous discussions about it and will continue to do so because talking brings awareness and hiding does not. Yet still, it's difficult for me to write an opus about it all. There's a reason I decided not to be an African-American Studies major. It's tiring to hear all the time: yes in this country... you TOTALLY have the short-end of the stick and now let's talk about that for several semesters. And then you re/member/realize that... I will never be able to forget/breathe/live/swim....I'm spent. And people pretending like things aren't messed or that they don't have the power to help change it is all kinds of... to quote a badass gone to soon "What kind of fuckery is this." -Amy Winehouse.  Maybe people do that as a coping mechanism... but that's not right because.... (cue coping mechanism...)

One of the things I DID LIKE this month (at first) was this viral tag on Facebook that said

Neat huh?! (Who says "neat, huh?" anymore?) Well, I was all #teamnochill and decided to upgrade what was a one-off challenge and turned it into a month long challenge because I'm late with the spring fitness regime (yes, I know it's June and technically summer) and my bicep/tricep game is non-existent. Like the Cavaliers offense. Oh snap! (I think I chose the right team to throw that reference too. Right? I'm on trend? We say "On trend" now in sports right?)

And then all my friends did this

...should I take this a bit of underhand shade a la Dowager, Countess Grantham? 

But I shall chronicle: Please read this as if you were Tom Hanks in Castaway

Day 1: July 22nd (technically I should have started this challenge on July 12th. Don't sue me.)

• Post rehearsal/tech re-staging. Rehearsal = fun. Outdoor rehearsal = fun (but sweaty)
• Showered. Past midnight. I am remembering challenge to day later.
• Youtube. Because duh.
• Why youtube no streaming like good youtube should?
• 5 mins. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. Still waiting for Youtube. I love you.
• Are we on a "break."
• Fine youtube. I will do push-ups. 
• 42 "Push-Ups" in (Doing "modified" push-ups.)
• 47 push-ups. CRAMP IN RIGHT TRICEP. It's working. Wait... why left tricep no return favor? I think I'm doing them wrong.
• Why did I stop to breathe!? Now harder to restart. Life Lesson. Push-up challenge already working to better my personhood. I congratulate myself internally. I shame myself internally for being conceited.
• 62 Push-ups. Challenge completed
• I make blog post to make people laugh and to teach and to inspire. I fulfill my personal mission statement for day. 
• I am woman. Roar. 

SXSW 2015: Fangirling and Inspiration-Hunting

So, It's my first SXSW.

I'm uber excited.

Can you tell? (Mind you... I have like 1 or 2 days free days in which I can actually participate but...)

IT'S ONE BIGASS ARTS FESTIVAL in a state I was born and raised in and went to grad school in and I haven't ever fucking been!? WTH. I judge myself. I spent the early afternoon waiting in line sweating, feeling nervous, getting overwhelmed by the throngs of people that I've never seen in this city before, trying to figure out if it was actually going to happen. As if I didn't belong.

And after a bit of a wait, and more wait, followed by some stern eye shade at mofos trying to ump ahead and cut because that's how things sometimes go in life (namaste, I need to remember that for the future), I was awarded my first little humble free SXSW film wristband.

I felt like Charlie with his little golden ticket. #Goober #DontCare My employers gave me the choice of choosing between a film and music wristband and I chose film, much to their surprise. For a second I thought I was being whack but then I remembered crowds aren't always the safest for my kind. (I dare you to comment about what you think I mean by that). But whatever, I'm a budding media mogul. I need to be bouncing around my colleagues and get inspired. Isn't it cute?!

I left the convention center thinking two major things.

1. Man, I need to (continue) to make my own shit and don't self-promote it. If  I'm not speaking for myself, who will? And also, if I'm obsessing and overwhelmed by a sea of new faces at this immense cultural event, I won't make it. There just too much damn competition that way. Too many people "to beat out." But if I'm thinking, this is a neat idea, let's go shoot/write/produce/perform this real quick. Then voila, content created and I am the master of my own universe. 
2. Thought Deux - Fuck it! I'm buying an all-access pass for my birthday. Why the hell not? So many other people do. Why do I need to wait around to get a hookup, for someone else to give me something? I mean hookups are great but I can do all bad by my own. (I'm starting to feel like I sound like a 90s romance novel that's been stuck on the shelves of Wal-Mart for way toooo long. You know what I'm talking about?)

I can make my own shit and I should surround myself by other people who do as well. I knew I was on the right mental train of thought when I nabbed some cool swag. I mean how can I pass up a chance to get some inspo from "Maven/Mogul/Artist/Creator/BadAss AVA DUVERNAY?! Let's go! 

Side Note: Ya'll know when I tried to ask for a map they low-key shaded me and said, "well you should have it with your badge and your grab bag." Bump that. I have google map app and wifi and I can do bad all my myself. (Ok I need to retire that phrase for at least 3 months.) 

Oh yeah....Why do I feel like I'm not telling the complete truth about "going to SXSW":

• Do I have access to special events before other people? Yes. 
• Did I get this access for free? Yes. 
• Do I have access to everything that SXSW has to offer? No. 
• Would I be able to do it all even if I had? Hell-to-the-naw. Ain't nobody gots time for that. Literally

But who fucking cares! Let's experience some art and engage with it!

My Brother's Teacher Made Me Do His Homework

March 4, 2015

Dear Teacher

Let the record show that you must read the entirety of this opus in order to arrive at a brief summary of what I believe life was like in our family before JJ was born. Excuse me, I mean John-Joshua. Wait, I mean John….whatever.

JJ is number 6. In our family he is number 6. Or number 7 depending on whom you count. That’s how I talk about my siblings with other people because I have multiples of each gender. I also refer to him as JJ. I believe he goes by John at school, and I don’t blame him. It’s easier than having to explain to people why your parents named you John-Joshua… as in you have two first names. Not one of the guys who has two first names as full names, but the guy who has two actual first-name first-names.

Let the record also show that I will not divulge THAT family secret of how he got two first name first-names. Every family deserves their secrets. If you ask, I will send Olivia Pope your way while I go sit in the sun with my Izuegbu Gladiators.

But I digress.

Anyway, when JJ informed me via text message that he needs my help with a paper. One of his teacher’s had asked him to get a family member to do write about life before him I astutely retorted, “JJ, I’ll help you edit and brainstorm but I will not write your homework for you. I want you to understand hard work.”

He elaborated that said teacher actually wanted a perspective of life from before he was born to which I quipped, “Yeah… well I’m the oldest so I have the worst memory out of the 6 of us. You should ask one of the other ones” and we leave it at that. (I’m #1 or #2 depending on how you count. Or #3 if you count my dad, but he’s no longer with us so…yeah things get awkward when you try to tell people that.)

He calls me the next day about this assignment as I’m walking into my abode after a long day that had followed a night of insomnia, about the assignment. Below is an edited version of our conversation in question. If you want any proof that I’m an older sibling, I began with

#1: If this is your homework, just tell me. You don’t have to lie.

(Paraphrased & Edited)

#1:       Do your homework. Teachers don’t grade students on things that family’s write. That makes no sense. How much time did she give you to complete this? Is this for extra credit?

#2        I’m serious. (He sends me images of the assignment in question because it’s 2015 and I         need proof.)

#1:       Oh. She’s for real! (grumbling, annoyed, wanting to change and dry my now wet hair…it was raining.)

#2        Please (or some other variation of help me, I want to do well in the class. I need to do well on this assignment)

#1:       This makes no sense

#2        PLEASE!!! (…or some variation of that)

#1:       Don’t you have 4 other siblings? Get one of them to do it

#2        #5 (Jr in college) – has an exam and needs to study for it

#4 (Snr in college) – doesn’t respond to texts or any sort of communication

#2 (married nurse) – I’m….. snorezzzzz zzzzz zzzz

#3 (nurse who lives with #6) – I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! I HAVE A LIFE!)

Please. You’re my last hope.

#1        Fine! BUT I reserve the write to say whatever I want however I want. (Dear teacher. I edited. I respect educators.  My mom’s a teacher, I often teach/coach/mentor and #5 wants to enter education. But I was still not enthused about it.

And so I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about how to summarize life before JJ was born.

I considered I haiku from the perspective of one of the siblings…

Haiku

There’s another one.

Another boy. Finally.

Who wants to go play?

I considered copying and pasting our text msg exchange…

That would make this too long…because you know this description is already short

I considered sending baby pictures of what we all looked like pre- and post- “The Coming of the Second Son”….

But I don’t live in Houston at the moment so that was a nay.

But here goes.

I’m writing from the perspective of one of his many siblings. We were all born very close in age to parents who wanted a family. Born so close in age, in fact, that I myself have no memories of being the only child. So essentially, life has always involved our family growing. It doesn’t feel as if life before was much different. I’m sure it was and that my mother could give greater detail. I’m also sure we were all excited, for the most part, about a new sibling/playmate.  But I can’t quite say which “baby” memory is attached to which sibling. Which one took the long to potty-train.? Which one stopped breast-feeding earliest? Which one’s head got rammed into a wall by accident? Doesn’t really matter. We were just a bunch of babies roaming around a house becoming friends and enemies and friends again. We were just the Izuegbus. And after his birth, we were bigger and more full of life.

Warmly

#1

PS. Please forgive me and do not judge JJ or my family for anything written in this opus/essay/whatchamacallit/standupcomedybit. I think I’m the weird one.

PSS (or PPS). Feel free to give him extra credit. I think he needs it. I’m the smart one (IM KIDDING….)

PPSS. Or PPPS. Or PSPS. Or PSS……..

I am a real person. Feel free to verify essay at nizuegbu@post.harvard.edu

Orgasmic Creation

Orgasmic. Is that what living in your purpose feels like? That sensation of constantly increasing excitement while doing (your) work? Waiting hungrily for the next moment of (revolutionary) ideas, thoughts, and content, until you reach a euphoric release at the moment of completion?

I'm gonna say... yeah. To be fair, I apologize about that intro paragraph. I really wanted to write about what an orgasm feels like....And mommy if you are reading this, I mean what I think an orgasm feels like. I'm just guessing, I promise. I'm still a chaste woman. (Now that I've written that, I'm thinking, can you still be considered "chaste" and "womanly" at the same time?" I mean, unless you are some type of nun?)

Anyway, I haven't had the best of years as of late. But I'm sure everyone feels that way. Even typing this post highlights my fortune. I have fingers to write/type this. But it's been tough. That being said, I'm living in a moment of orgasmic creativity. Not only am I in a show that's running and selling out where I play a badass goddess, but I'm actively developing my passion for writing and producing.

I recently had a reading of a play I wrote. I was scared shitless. I mean, the level of public ridicule that could occur and I advertised it! Where they do that at?! I emailed friends and colleagues, numerous of whom were unaware that I'd been writing extensively for the past few years. I put myself out there (in my own little way). That feeling when you invite someone to a party and remind them about it... you can't really take it back.

I was NOT, however, bold enough to invite EVERYONE. Sue me

you know what....

It rocked! People actually enjoyed themselves. I mean I'd even made a night of it with an awesome spread to dull the senses by warming their bellies. Made sure to somewhat be self-deprecating (c'mon...be honest. that works for everyone. A little self-loathing goes a long way)

And I got honest, critical, and positive feedback. "You like me, you really like me!" (Congratulations Sally Field for being immortalized in the American entertainment canon for years to come with that quote. Girl, you certainly knew how to milk that moment.)

Sally Fields LIVING!

Best thing about it, it's in the world. And I have notes to make this bad boy more evocative, powerful, inspiring, and I'm now working on other pieces that I've been scared to work on. In part because of judgement, but also because I'm discussing issues that are dangerous and there are even closer to my heart.

So yay to orgasmic productivity, creation, and development. Whether it be the next hot app, movie, or medical innovation, I'm all for it.

#YASSSS

Are Darren/Daniel Amusing?....

1.

(Satire Is approaching.) Go with it.

1. Guys. Negroes getting killed sucks. Well for some of us. But I’m gonna take a second to be politically correct and say what Obama… or someone in the White House is gonna say. “We are all fellow Americans. The endangerment of one of us should affect all of us”…. Omg I can’t even finish that sentence without choking from how NOT true it is. Anyway. INSIGHTS

2. I really think Michael Jackson had the right idea. Bleaching your skin and changing your nose and hair?! That might have been the smartest thing he ever did. As a child born in the late 80s/early 90s, I was first introduced to him as that light skined dude that made people faint, pee their pants and faint. You know.. pre-BEYONCE. It took me 20 years before I accessed ‘The Wiz” and realized he was born a completely different race… and you know.. alive.

3. If I had a grudge and a chip on my shoulder… and I was white.. I WOULD become a cop. Just like the ROTC folks that came to visit us during high school telling us the wonders of service and protecting (a certain) humanity… I would so sign up for the police force. Like for reals. Job security like a b****h. And if that didn’t work. And even if I got suspended with no pay… someone is gonna feel bad for me a start a gofundme. This works for a lot of people. Remember potato salad guy. #baller
Killing/Prosecuting/Arresting black people regularly as opposed to arresting them (check #crimeswhilewhite) is a really great way to get them to go back to Africa (the continent…not country… or the Caribbean). #winning

4. I forgot about all my allies from the ALS challenge and the equal marriage debates that happened on Facebook. You remember the videos we all posted and the Facebook profile photos we changed. I still got your back though…

5. Guys… we all need to calm down. It’s actually (gasp) a conspiracy. They don’t want us to be the Duggars. But we SHOULD be. My mother had 6 kids, yes with the same father and they were happily married. RIP dad. I think that means I’m super fertile! I can do it. Would i get a TV show? Or will I have to be super ignorant… sorry, I mean ignant, despite my IVY league degree to actually show a true depiction of black life in the country I was born?

Waiting Room - 12.3.14

Killed over skittles, jaywalking, selling individual cigarettes,
pulled over for walking with hands in pockets,
shot at while trying to get your asthmatic daughter medication,
called a disgrace for going to work with your hands up.

What do you want us to do?
Sit in a big room and twiddle our thumbs
while we look at each other out of site.

oh wait..

that's prison......

AHH. I see what ya'll are doing. Clever!

The American Game of Spades

The American Game of Spaces

Um.. there are easier ways to get people to go back to Africa. 

Maybe you showed your hand too early. I think. 

You didn't mean to cut with the Ace of Spades 

and now you're reneging on a promise you made 

to ALL CITIZENS of this country?

 This is a conspiracy right? 

Some one pinch me, I think I'm dreaming.

 We aren't rewarding bad behavior are we? 

I swear it can't be Jim Crow time still. Right?

 This isn't apartheid-era South Africa right? 

I matter now.... right? 

In a "post-racial" American you call it.

MY American dream matters right? 

right.....


RIP Eric Garner.

Haiku - 11/25

black lives do(n't) matter

whose America is it

whose dream gets to be



Review of How To Get Away With Murder 1.1 - Shonda & Viola... Stop Owning Me & My Feelings

So yeah... Shonda pulled me in. ABC it scares me that this show is potentially reifying everything people believe about lawyers and murderers. Also, I think the title of this show is problematic, because just like learning that your technological products are made under terrible working conditions... the more you hear about it, the less it bothers you. I mean two weeks ago, President Obama made a joke about drones. When did we get USED to drones. Just so you know government... I'm OK with not being a target. I am a very boring person. Choose more interesting targets. Anyway here are the thoughts I could keep up with while I was writing. I will say that these shows, headed by Shonda, and yes... I'm a stan... or do we need to come up with a new name for Shonda Rhimes fans besides gladiators? Or did I just piss off all the gladiators? Ok Thoughts.

• Why am I crying at watching Viola Davis just living in a drama? All it took was 49 years and Shonda Rhimes running ABC like nobody's business.
• Viola Davis I love you and you are an inspiration
• Orange Is the New Black crossover! Omg.
• Gilmore Girls nemesis/best friend is in this bitch and MADONNA platinum blonde? What is happening in the world? 
• #Werk
• I've said omg like 7 times
• What crazy weird sex
• Are they hiding a murder? wtf.... is on tv now
• This is a stupid plan. i can tell already
• Cops asking questions... let the whitest person talk. For the love of God let the whitest person talk!!!
• Why are these commercials bothering me?
• Wait... Tyler Perry is in a movie with Ben Affleck?
• Omg they let the white person talk, Thank God.
• Random crowd
• Viola... stop rocking my world so much!
• I think Viola just won an Emmy.
• People actively working to get a murderer off...is depressing
• I still love you viola
• Wait.. that guy's from from harry potter
• I want to be on this show
• This show reminds me that lawyers are... an interesting class of people. 
• Omg everybody is regularly getting oral... on regular TV. When did this happen!!! I can't
• So my friend... is on this show? Why are all my people on TV! Way to go Conrad!
• This is not basic cable you guys! This is not Skinimax. This is not HBO.

SHONDA YOU ARE MAKING ME HAVE TOO MANY FEELINGS. I ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY AS IT IS. Also, Shonda owns ABC. Viola Davis is kicking ass in this show... I can't wait for the day when I'm doing all she's doing! Guys... she is writing intensively complex complicated and human characters. You hate them and love them at the same time.

Scandal Review 4.1: OMG WHAT IS JAKE DOING

I promised I'd make a video but.... I have a lot of other things I'm doing in life so this is hard. I have made a concerted effort to separate the actors from the characters as we all should! This ish is real.

• I want what she's having
• What is Jake doing to her in that chair
• Screw you Olivia. You are part of the 1%. Your dad sent you to LIVE on an island forever that's not on google maps. EVERYTHING IS ON GOOGLE MAPS!
• There is no such thing as coming back from vacation peacefully
• Scandal gives me too many feelings.
• I WILL work with Shonda one day.
• They have been sexy-fying Abby since season 2. That's some pageant hair!
• Huck... I will always want to take care of you
• Mellie is giving the realness
• Mellie... they told you it was apple juice and you were like.. NEXT
• "These panties came straight from the dryer." -- people... basic television is officially changed. OMG
• Omg... why is this streaming on my internet chopping it up. Switching to HuluPlus on Tv
• Fitz... sometimes I feel like I'm Olivia and we are together. Stop making us crazy. But... they're playing our music!
• If one more idiot says something stupid/racist about Shonda.... I just can't. She single-handedly transformed ABC. #SITDOWN
• I really want my friend Carl Clemons-Hopkins to be featured on this show. 
• I will be purchasing a Scandal coat from the Limited
• Mellie broke my heart when she visited her son's grave
• The world of Scandal is messed up. Oy Vey.
• When's the last time that someone saw Olivia eat on this show? Or is wine a food group now?
• Julia? as if! Let's be real... the only name a boss bitch like Olivia can have is #Nickclette #Marilyn
• I'm having too many feelings Scandal. You are like the first relationship.
• I just learned People magazine tweeted something racist about Viola. @whitepeople stop it. 
• I know, by heart, the music that they play when Fitz and Olivia are referenced together.
• Abby damn near cussed her man out. #checkabitch "You ended us
• But abby... B613 IS SCARY
• #arewegladiatorsorarewebitches
• Omg.... who in the writing room first thought of that? We need to be friends.
• The debate about sexual assault, this show isn't playing around. Good tv! Good commentary.
• "It's 1976 down there". WHAT!!!!! omg
• I repeat. Omg.... who in the writing room first thought of that? We need to be friends.
• Shonda, we need to work together. Lets be honest.
• I just remembered that Jake did something to kerry in that chair.
• Omg... Jake said she couldn't talk. #myturn #hardtogetitupaftersexualassaultconvos
• Scandal... I'm... I can't quit you. Why!?
• Omg I just remembered Jake ..... Why did Felicity dump you?
• Scott Foley has 3 kids? Wtf!
• Olivia's dad.... Olivia's mom.... the fact that Olivia hasn't killed anyone (as far as we know) is a godsend
• Planning your friend's funeral sucks... omg feelings.
• Scandal can never end
• Scandal has to end... I can't watch tv like this when i'm 109 (I will live forever. Amen)

Too good. Too bad. Soo many feelings

-- 

I Am A Badass.... (I Think I Can. I Know I Can. I Will.)

I am working to transform my stories from the written page into fully mounted productions, ie getting them mounted on a stage or edited into a film. However, I am, by nature, someone who wants to know everything about a task/project/place before I make a single step in its direction. I want to feel fully equipped to handle every possible mishap and figure out its solution. Call me the Queen of Research if you want... actually don't call me that. There is nothing appealing or badass about that title. Ick. Next.

But, since I am attracted to badasses and I want to be one, one day, I have force myself to get over my bullshit anxiety. Badasses don't need to know everything to make a move.Well behaved women rarely make history. No guts no glory. I'm looking especially to AFFRM (African-American Film Festival Releasing Movement) founder, television & film director, and one of my biggest inspirations Ava DuVernay who says

“You can’t move forward when your actions hinge on someone else doing something for you. All the time you spend focused on trying to move ahead in the industry, trying to grab, is time you’re not doing the work. Waiting for permission, waiting for help, waiting for understanding is not doing. You gotta knock it off."

Several things help me move forward.

• I don't have all the financial support needed to endow me with the uber-confidence needed to pursue my ridiculous ambitions. And yet support systems, whether they be a partner/spouse, family member, or (ride-or-die) friend, are paramount in achieving anything. No one achieves anything great without help. But I do have some support. I have a few pillars that I can lean on when my confidence is shot.

• Collaboration is fucking key. Doing things by yourself, in the grand scheme of things, albeit safe, is stupid. Supremely stupid. Sure, you won't disappoint others by failing them and they can't hurt you by not following through. But the depth and level of success you can attain by working with a group of contributors working and riffing off of one another's ideas is enough to make me run headfirst into a jazz jam session. (I think there's a metaphor in there. Go with it. I mean it!)

• Being a boss is cool. Rappers talk about it, CEOs talk about it, Presidents talk about it. But all jest aside, I'm super excited to make an impact. I'd rather embarrass myself in an attempt to make something that matters to me, and perhaps others, than being jealous of someone else who had the courage to go for it.

So with those tools in hand, I am putting my producer hat into the next gear. I'm working harder than ever, and it hurts. And? 

Filmmaker Future

I saw a film today called "The Tokens." A film birthed from the minds of Lamar Woods and Weldon Powers takes place during the holidays, when a "young Black man reunites with his all-White group of High School friends who have seemingly replaced with him with a new Black guy." The storytelling was evocative and powerful teetering between hilarity, discomfort, and realness that I don't see often. It inspired me to think about the stories I want to tell. And when it comes to talking about subjects that make us uncomfortable... THIS is how you can talk about race without talking about race.

So although I spent a huge part of the day, getting administrative duties done, watching the film got me started on an hour long hunt educating myself even more about film-making techniques I can work on and equipment I can utilize to my benefit.  Looking into camera's, and stabilizers, and trying to figure out why Androids aren't as good as I-phones for filming (why oh why God why... first world pr...). I appreciate the internet in this regard because the film doesn't belong to one person anymore. It belongs to the world. I'm certain that I will be producing and publishing several films this year and that's very exciting. 

Happy New Year, Happy New... Same Ol Shit But Better

Happy New Year everyone. I gotta say, I was rather pleased with my entry into 2014. And grateful to chunk the deuce to 2013. Don't get me wrong, some AMAZING things happened in 2013. But some of my lowest moments occurred last year as well. And it hurt. It hurt like a muthafucka. There's that saying of "God is getting your prepared to handle larger obstacles in the future." On more than one occasion I thought to myself F*** this! More pain not necessary. Seriously, I'm not ready to handle more obstacles if they are harder. I'm good where I am. Who the hell do I think I am?

That being said, I'm grateful to have gone through the year and made it to 2014. I recently read an article about focusing on systems rather than goals when approaching accomplishments and I liked the idea. Actually going through what I want to achieve and focusing NOT on the final milestones but the actual every day steps, the journey (and seeing if you enjoy THAT) is a helpful way to think about moving past regrets and actually learning from one's mistakes. I also came across this article about the 100 day project at the top of the year. People will approach a project/skill they want to tackle and submit a 10sec clip of it everyday. It's quite inspiring.

And since it's essentially talking about New Year's resolutions, I'm going to put out some goals that I'd like to achieve this year. :D

• Write a scene everyday
• Blog everyday
• Learn a new language, to play new instrument, to code, to tap dance
• Develop my web presence
• Publish a book
• Produce a web series
• Produce a stage reading of a play
• Workout 5X a week
• Eat better

Knowing me, I'll come up with a multitude of goals to add to it, but there's nothing wrong with creating and adding to an awesome to-do/experience list.

-Eazeway

Auditioning: The Shit That Don't Quit

Lessssbehonesssst, auditioning scary. The only times I enjoy auditioning are...

1. When I literally give no f****. 
2. When I KNOW that I am soooo wrong for the part (all male, or all white, or all tappers, or all whatever I am not and the likelihood of them casting me in say... Funny Girl is slim to none... and therefore I (literally and figuratively, all-up-and-in-that audition room give not a one).

I mean, I understand the necessity of auditioning. How else is the world supposed to see my work, especially in a new market. In all the ways I feel confident about what I can do, there are just as many ways that I can still learn. And with time, the logic goes that I'll ripen. That being said, it floors me that veteran actors have to audition. Correction: when I see a line of veteran, super-talented actors, standing in line to audition. A line... that I am also in. When did that happen?

The Rep has fantastic facilities and I get to use them for a year. (Thanks guys!) The Rep also allows local theater companies to hold their auditions in the building's rehearsal halls. On one particular evening, due to the schedule, my cohort and I were given time slots early in the day to audition for an upcoming theater festival in the area this summer. Afterwards, we all headed to a slew of rehearsals.  When we had our next ten-minute break, BOOM. Big ass line of actors...in the same line. When did that happen!?

This is NOT The Rep. I stole it from the Internet to be dramatic. Because that's what I do as an actor. I do things dramatically for an effect. I also do this in real life. And sometimes I make myself laugh. Right now I am laughing hysterically because I think I'm being clever. (The definition of Actor is not "be dramatic.") End. Scene.

I don't get excited about auditioning because I know that there are massive amounts of skill and talent that already exist in my industry. Add to that the reality that sometimes my youth, or skill, or look simply does not comply with what a director envisions. But to see that actors older and more esteemed than myself are officially in competition with me, or I with them, is odd. It's a part of the job.

And I believe that this is why I strive to create, and write, and produce, things. I am drawn to the idea that I can make something tangible for myself and for others. I don't have to clamor, I can have it. . There are so many stories that haven't been told,  I know my hasn't. So when it comes to auditioning, I like being reminded, that's it's time to create again.

Part II: What You Didn't Know About Tony and Olivier Award-Winning Choreographer Stephen Mear

Continued...

Were you ever teased about being dyslexic?
When I was young they didn't know what it was I suppose. I was told I was thick by a math teacher. And he said to me, which was a good thing actually, "there is no good doing any of these amateur operatics, you're never gonna be in show business. You need to face the real world."

So what snapped for you then to say fuck you?
It was a real thing of me determining to do it. Like I said, It's a way of expressing myself. I can express myself through dance. And tell a story through dance and it's something I love doing. Whereas I find it hard to write. I mean writing for first night cards for this has literally pushed me over the edge. Always does.

Stephen's meticulous gaze in "Till We Reach That Day"

I know you talk about being extremely fortunate and lucky in your own career. But have you ever had to deal with hardships of finances, or food, or places to sleep?
Yes. When I did my first 3 West End Shows. I did 2 when I was still at college. I was very lucky the college let you do that so I only had to miss the afternoon of one day. But, stupidly being young and thinking I'd made it, I did these three West End shows and I didn't save my tax! Didn't save any tax. So then I was banged with a massive tax bill. I was living on planet Zarg I think. And my family weren't very well off  at all, I couldn't turn to them. But I had this big bill and I had to pay it over the next three years of my career. It was my own fault and it as a way of learning. And I did pay it all off. I literally had to scrimp and save for two years on the jobs I was doing. Luckily I was on tour with some fabulous friends. And we all took care of each other and I was looked after in that way. But I paid it all off. And I remember my mom being so upset when I told her years later about it. They couldn't have done anything, there's nothing they could have done and I couldn't do that. Even though they've never had a lot of money, I've never been without, I always went to dance class. So that's why when I first did big job and got lots of money, I bought my mum and dad a house near me in Brighton, a bungalow. That's the first thing I wanted to do. I did it.

Are you a momma's boy?
Yeah, a little bit. There's three [of us]. A lesbian, a gay, and a straight girl. My mum always says I've got one of each.

What do you think of dance reality TV shows?
You know what, I've been in one. I did So You Can Dance [in the UK], I did the first series. As a choreographer. Nigel [Lythgoe], I've known him for years, asked me to be a judge originally. And said I'd rather be a choreographer so I could show what I can do. And also when you're are a judge you've got people booing if they don't agree with you. I did four numbers or five. I did the very first number in the show. I was the Broadway choreographer and I was offered the next series and I couldn't do it because I was doing a show. That, I loved because all the dancers that ended up in the end weren't just dancers off the street, they are trained. I love the American one, I think the American one is fabulous. I'm not so mad on all the reality shows that make people stars that aren't stars.

Cup of tea or a drink?
A Drink.

Boxers or Briefs?
Briefs

Where will you go on your next anniversary?
The best anniversary was last year. Me and my partner and my best friend went out for dinner with Liza Minnelli. Because my best friend is her best friend. [Liza] had come over over to watch my production of "She Loves Me" in Chichester, all the way to Chichester and I've become friends with her only through my friend. So on our anniversary, after she'd done her one-woman show in England, she took us out for dinner afterwards. But next year, I'd like to be abroad with my partner.

Biggest piece of advice?
Always show yourself to the best ability you can when you are working with people.

Biggest piece of shit you've ever heard?
Let's think. So many people talk rubbish. Just work hard. You never know who people are gonna meet. It's a small business, however much we think it's big, it's small and it gets around if somebody's a pain in the ass 'cause  I won't work with people who are pains in the ass, not in London 'cause I know who they are. People ring me for their shows and ask me what people are like. Keep your nose clean and just do a great job.

What You Didn't Know about Tony and Olivier Award-Winning Choreographer Stephen Mear

I had the pleasure to sit down and chat with Stephen Mear, the brilliant choreographer of Milwaukee Repertory Theater's current production of Ragtime and boy did we have a great time! He squeezed in some time to meet with me post rehearsal, both of us exhausted, to have a real conversation about art, life, and the pursuit of happiness. As you read, imagine us both laughing hysterically... or rather me... laughing (unattractively) in hysterics. Both in and out of the rehearsal hall, He has taught me so much about performance, work ethic, movement, storytelling, and being a great human being. Little did I know that this wonderful spirit is also a two-time Olivier and one-time Tony award winning choreographer. If you get the chance to work with him, hell talk to him, you are definitely in good hands.

-----

Stephen, what's up? Thanks so much for letting me do this. Well the first thing I wanted to know is, what drew you to dance in the first place?
When I was 3, my mum was a dance teacher at a school. She just used to help out. And so I used to run in and out of the class. And I just joined that way. She never wanted me to. I just chose to do it.

Did you just keep taking classes?
Yeah, and also I'm dyslexic. It was a way I could express myself through dance. So that's why I kind of pursued it more.

You told me that sometimes it goes back and forth with how often travel between the UK and the US. What's your preference?
I like both. I think I'm very lucky, I think I'm so lucky. Oh my God. Most of my work the last few years has been in the UK.

What do you think the difference is between English performers and American performers?
I think [England] has the same amount of talent. They used to say that English people didn't have the talent as much as Americans. I mean [England] fits into Texas three times, so the talent [England] has got is snapped up straight away. Whereas in America there is so much more talent. That's what it is. And I think in England because they are paid such crap money, I think they must love it if they do it there. Everybody I know who's in the West End teaches or does another job

How comes you guys don't have Equity there or a union?
We do, but you don't have to be a part of it. Wish is such a shame because if you were it would be stronger. So people can come in off the street and audition and have no training, nothing. Normally it doesn't work for them like it does for people who are trained.

What's it like to be in Milwaukee? 
Fabulous!

Did you think it was random?
It's not because, I work at a rep theater in England called Chichester Festival Theatre and it's very similar to that which is outside of London. It's kind of the same feel. It's a massive city with no cars on the road. They have these wide roads and hardly any traffic.

Stephen Mear (R) teaching a sequence for Tateh & Little Girl in "Ragtime"

So you're going to New York after this?
Yeah, to audition dancers for the Met, the Metropolitan Opera for a few days. I'll be back over there for Christmas and New Year.

What would you encourage a young dancer to do? Why do it? Is it even worth it?
If you are a dancer I would encourage you to do it if you wanted to do it. I deal with musical theater people so I prefer triple threats that can act, sing and dance.

How is it working in the show dealing with different skill levels and body types?
I'm so used to it because I've done a lot of musicals where we've had to just have actors. It's just giving them confidence to believe in you and trust you. Like I always say to everybody, I will never make anybody look stupid. I really believe it. But also, I think once you say that to somebody, people will open up to you, even if they make a fool of themselves in rehearsal, they are willing to do that to see how far they can be pushed.

What's your biggest pet peeve about performers or dancers?
When people say no. If someone says "no, I can't do that" "or no I wouldn't" and they start getting defensive, that's when you know you're in trouble and I'm not good with people like that.

I am a little curious, not to backtrack too much, but you mentioned you were dyslexic. Have you ever made any pieces about being dyslexia?
No I haven't actually. And when I decided to do "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" in Mary Poppins [on the West End], Matthew Bourne said to me "are you mad?" Because I couldn't spell it. We had to have all the letters on the mirror while I was doing it!

Were you ever teased about being dyslexic?
.......
More on this and the struggles of being a performer in Part II of our conversation here.

The Token Dancer from the Ghetto Story...

It's at the core of American identity and yet, so often, our country is afraid to face it: race. I know, if it were me, I'd hit the back button in a second, but bear with me. As a woman of color I deal with race all the time, I mean all the damn time. Add to that, I'm performing in Milwaukee Repertory Theater's current production of "Ragtime," analyzing race gets exhausting. But during a recent lunch break, I had the chance to watch an episode of my favorite shows called "Breaking Pointe" about the inner workings of a BalletWest, one of the nations premier ballet companies.

In this particular episode, the cast list for Cinderella is to be revealed. There is steep competition for one role in particular, Napoleon, for whom two dancers are in the running for. One, Zachary Prentice, is young, gossip-hungry dancer from the Ballet 2 Apprentice Company and the other is Joshua Whitehead, a young dancer from the ghetto who is in the primary company Corps. The first white, the latter black. (Must we always have a dancer from the ghetto story... I digress). The role requires someone with amazing comedic timing, characters skills, and ability to be the butt of everyone's jokes. It goes to the white guy. No biggie... EXCEPT... when there is.

Josh bravely approaches the Artistic Director, Adam Sklute, about the casting and asks "Is it because I'm black?" Adam reveals that he chose not to cast this young man because he cared very deeply for the dancer and didn't want to make a joke of the only African-American male in the entire company. Conversely, this young dancer wanted to be seen only for this talent, not his race (a rather naive standpoint, but perhaps I'm much more of a realist than I realize).  If an audience member read something into the performance, it was on them.

Center - Josh Whitehead

I felt a wealth of complex emotions for the both men. The Artistic Director wanted to respect this young dancer. But in doing so, he has limited this young man's chance to perform because of his race. In one moment, this dance company highlighted the subtlety of race and injustice in America but also the generational transformations that are occurring over time. The Artistic Director, by all accounts (and assumptions) is an open-minded and educated individual. He made a decision from a point of power based on race. The dancer lost an opportunity due to the fear of how his skin would add/change the story.

I was heartbroken and reminded again of the reality of my race. I am always the other with weighted meaning, and white is the litmus test of neutrality. As an actress, among other things, I found it a wonderful insight into race politics for America, but largely, race politics in the performance world. Hopefully, I will not always be relegated to roles that only a black person could play, but rather I will be given the opportunity to perform.

-EazeWaySays

Save Ya Rep: Working in Repertory Theater

Working in repertory theater for the Houston Shakespeare Festival was an eye-opening experience. We worked on two very different shows at the same time, Antony & Cleopatra and As You Like It switching back and forth each day spending the first week of rehearsal on AYLI and the second on A&C. On our last day of tech, which is a beast in of itself, one of our directors mentioned it had technically only been our 14th day rehearsing that show. WTF!!!! Are you serious.

These two shows could not have been more different. To be honest, on the days when I know I am to frolic in the land of Egypt... although I'm done up to the I was so nervous. "Antony & Cleopatra" is an absolute beast. It was fun yet hard. With each new performance, as usual, I got more comfortable. Never in my life have I shown that much skin for that many people. I think I did alright. Whatcha think?

Yours Truly working it as Charmian in 'Antony & Cleopatra'

As for As You Like It. Boy did I love playing Phebe. What a firecracker! If I'm honest, I wasn't always quite sure why people were laughing at what I was doing but I'm sure that a part of it was  because of how much my Silvius and I were in contrast to one another but also because neither of us relinquished our overall objectives. (Ick. Actor speak. My apologies ya'll). But, I'm thinking... maybe it's not my business to know why the audience laughs, but just trust what I do. The director and my scene partners are taking care of it. If I just commit to my goal and point of view, I'm golden.

Me as Phebe really wanting some Ganymede. Ha

What working in repertory theater setting really helps me work on was on how well one must rehearse, how to be efficient with time, and how to juggle two things at once. Having to continually balance two realities, and commit to telling an honest and committed story was arduous and rewarding. Even the more established actors would comment on how out of practice there were in the repertory setting. It was such a wonderful exercise in time management, multi-tasking, and so much more. I'll be heading off to Milwaukee Repertory Theater to do much of the same. It'll be exhausting to say the least, but hey, get to act for a living, God willing. I couldn't be luckier.

Ragtime @ Milwaukee Rep - First Weeks

This is a long time coming, but it was in my cue, so I thought I'd go ahead and hit update.

And from Houston Shakespeare Festival... I moved briskly to the Milwaukee Repertory Theater to continue my tenure as a professional actor. OMG?! WTF?! SERIOUSLY. Ok so... Officially, I am given the title 'Artistic Intern Company Member"... or something like that. Whatever. What it means is that I get to act...professionally...for a season. Which I've been reminded, by many of the professional actors working with whom I'm working, is an amazing opportunity. There are so many things I can discuss about my experiences thus far (and need to.. the good... the bad, but what I want to focus on are these amazing people and the rehearsal!

The first show of the season is 'Ragtime' and if you haven't seen it before, you are definitely missing out one of the best theatrical experiences of a lifetime. All of that corny-hokey-it-changed-my-life people talk about.. happens in this show.

I loved just getting into the rehearsal process. The artistic team behind this show is wonderfully gifted and generous. I've grown so much in just the ... 10 days (man does it actually feel like 3 weeks) since I've been here. From the brilliant choreographer, to the amazing dance captain, to the intelligent director to the... OMG. Yeah not enough time. 

I can just say that as an actor, I was thrilled moving into the rehearsal space and getting to sing, speak, and dance. And given this city's history, It's gonna be an amazing show. 

#eek

Joining A Biker Gang?: Motorcycles in Milwaukee

Milwaukee is apparently the city of festivals. There is always something going on; seriously, every week. I expect fireworks 1-3 times a week. It's kinda like heaven for a fireworks junkee like myself. My evening walks from 12 hour rehearsals welcome the spectacle. (Although I'm fairly certain that come winter time the fireworks and festivals will end and I'll just be sad about how cold it is. Wait, it snows here. This Texas girl will have snow! Wait... I don't think I have any appropriate winter attire... crap). Refocusing in 5 ... 4 ... 3...2...

Anyway, what makes Milwaukee's being the city of festivals super cool is that this past week, since Harley-Davidson was founded here, the brand held its 110th anniversary celebration here. Translation = The city was o'errun with biker gangs. The lawn in front of the building where I'm being housed was turned into a parking lot... and tailgating central. The lawn... the nice stuff they take pictures of for the brochure. LOL.  This is the view from outside my work. It does them no justice.

The entire city hosts thousands of bikers from all over the continent (I'm choosing to say continent because if you brought your bike from Hong Kong to Milwaukee I take issue with your mental state and how your prioritize). Milwaukee completely caters to the celebrants! Miraculously, new (free) parking spaces miraculously appear, drinking in public is given a side-eye by the authorities, streets even shutdown for.... wait for it... a biker parade.

The life of a biker must be kind of fun. The camaraderie, the delight that arrives from being a rebel, having wind blow through you hair. Personally, I thought it was pretty cool. I, however, definitely noticed that a number of my colleagues moods changed to a slightly more super-stank-than-normal-frankness and temperament due to the dramatically changed soundscape of the city. Hahaha. But, me I enjoyed it.

That is until I saw a bike with a confederate flag on it. Yea, Whomp. whomp. Next festival please.