I Am A Badass.... (I Think I Can. I Know I Can. I Will.)

I am working to transform my stories from the written page into fully mounted productions, ie getting them mounted on a stage or edited into a film. However, I am, by nature, someone who wants to know everything about a task/project/place before I make a single step in its direction. I want to feel fully equipped to handle every possible mishap and figure out its solution. Call me the Queen of Research if you want... actually don't call me that. There is nothing appealing or badass about that title. Ick. Next.

But, since I am attracted to badasses and I want to be one, one day, I have force myself to get over my bullshit anxiety. Badasses don't need to know everything to make a move.Well behaved women rarely make history. No guts no glory. I'm looking especially to AFFRM (African-American Film Festival Releasing Movement) founder, television & film director, and one of my biggest inspirations Ava DuVernay who says

“You can’t move forward when your actions hinge on someone else doing something for you. All the time you spend focused on trying to move ahead in the industry, trying to grab, is time you’re not doing the work. Waiting for permission, waiting for help, waiting for understanding is not doing. You gotta knock it off."

Several things help me move forward.

• I don't have all the financial support needed to endow me with the uber-confidence needed to pursue my ridiculous ambitions. And yet support systems, whether they be a partner/spouse, family member, or (ride-or-die) friend, are paramount in achieving anything. No one achieves anything great without help. But I do have some support. I have a few pillars that I can lean on when my confidence is shot.

• Collaboration is fucking key. Doing things by yourself, in the grand scheme of things, albeit safe, is stupid. Supremely stupid. Sure, you won't disappoint others by failing them and they can't hurt you by not following through. But the depth and level of success you can attain by working with a group of contributors working and riffing off of one another's ideas is enough to make me run headfirst into a jazz jam session. (I think there's a metaphor in there. Go with it. I mean it!)

• Being a boss is cool. Rappers talk about it, CEOs talk about it, Presidents talk about it. But all jest aside, I'm super excited to make an impact. I'd rather embarrass myself in an attempt to make something that matters to me, and perhaps others, than being jealous of someone else who had the courage to go for it.

So with those tools in hand, I am putting my producer hat into the next gear. I'm working harder than ever, and it hurts. And? 

Filmmaker Future

I saw a film today called "The Tokens." A film birthed from the minds of Lamar Woods and Weldon Powers takes place during the holidays, when a "young Black man reunites with his all-White group of High School friends who have seemingly replaced with him with a new Black guy." The storytelling was evocative and powerful teetering between hilarity, discomfort, and realness that I don't see often. It inspired me to think about the stories I want to tell. And when it comes to talking about subjects that make us uncomfortable... THIS is how you can talk about race without talking about race.

So although I spent a huge part of the day, getting administrative duties done, watching the film got me started on an hour long hunt educating myself even more about film-making techniques I can work on and equipment I can utilize to my benefit.  Looking into camera's, and stabilizers, and trying to figure out why Androids aren't as good as I-phones for filming (why oh why God why... first world pr...). I appreciate the internet in this regard because the film doesn't belong to one person anymore. It belongs to the world. I'm certain that I will be producing and publishing several films this year and that's very exciting.