Failing Up

Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave. - Mary Tyler Moore

I am continually humbled by the things I don't achieve as much as I am by the things that I do. At times it feels as though I am not a strong person. I think it's an interesting perspective to embrace the fact that the times at which we are humbled by our own actions or the actions of others, can help us to be stronger people in the end. It's old age adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." It's annoying, but perhaps, just maybe, it's true? :D

From the Book According to Chelsea Handler

Life can sometimes feel like it's riddled with grenades and landmines. At times, you step in a bad patch and life implodes right before your very eyes. At other times, you pick up a grenade and pull the pin and are the cause for the implosion. What happens after each battle? What happens after the war? How do you keep winning in your life both career-wise and socially.

I think it's a two parter. A two parter that I've picked up from someone I look up to a great deal: Chelsea Handler. She's a self-made woman who's life has been riddled with numerous ups and downs and she's risen to become one of the world's most successful creative entrepreneurs, entertainers, writers and funny-women.

1. Use your hiccups and mistakes to your advantage. Embrace Them! Transform a negative into a positive. Play your inner hero, not your villain. We are imperfect creatures but finding a way to use your situations, adapt it, and make it work FOR you and not AGAINST you, will get you further than you think. Part of this includes accepting your situation and owning it. You can have a hand in your progress, your image, your destiny. 
2. You've got to find your tribe. Time and time again I've heard the age-old adage repeated when I ask my elders who are successfully living their lives. You've got to find the people who can contribute and encourage your ambitions, your creativity, peace-of-mind. And once you find your tribe stick together. Uplift one another and support each other.

Check some of her story here.

Self-Generated Work

I'm nervous and excited to begin working as a professional actress. It all started with this itty bitty dream, and now it may become a reality.

As I get older, I am also continuing to think about how careers are made and specifically about the idea of longevity. How do you make it happen? What have people done? I often revisit the people I look up to an reflect on their careers. I also think about everything I've learned about successful artists. And one think that is true is that they end up having a hand in the projects they do. They create their own opportunities and drive down avenues they've built. And I want to do the same.

If works begets work, and I create work for myself... hopefully it means I'll be working for a long time!

I am developing a webseries! The screenplay is in revisions. First I had to figure out how screenplay formatting is different from play writing and other narrative forms! Gotta love Microsoft Word and their templates. I also have to thank a new friend of mine because he never lets a day slip without asking me have I written something, have I developed something, have I sent an email.

I have cast my co-star, an undergrad friend of mine and he's going to play my brother! I have a camera person who's volunteered equipment. And now I'm looking to add a few people on to help with direction, shooting and editing. Hopefully I can get something out before the end of June. Here goes nothing!

Talent

I like what artists give to the world. Inspiration energizes life and vice versa. Some french guys I found. What I really love is that the dancers AND the person in charge of the camera came together to produce the same feel the song has itself. I've been looking for the perfect choreography to this music and never found it. And then accidentally, voila. I wouldn't stare at it too close. Macklemore, the main guy in the song would SOOOOO approve.

Why We Laugh: Female Comics/Comedians

In this upcoming film, the trailer is featured here. I HAD to write about it once I saw it for two big reasons.

1. It features some of my favorite actresses (who happen to be supremely talented and ridiculously hilarious)
2. I have a sneaking suspicion, I don't know how or why, but I do know THAT, I may be featured in a film like this somewhere down the line

I don't know how legit it is, but it's funny. I do not think I'm funny... onstage. When I get a laugh, it damn near shocks me because I'm so stunned/surprised. And yet, in everyday life, people always laugh at me commenting that I saw the most ridiculous, blunt, hilarious on things about truths in life. I do have a ton of to-do lists, but I do know that the first thing I'm doing once I move to my next big city, is sign up for classes at the comedy club and see what happens from there. Here's hoping I also get over my fear of heckling. If there's one truth I've found, in addition to being able to make your own work, if you are a woman who can make someone laugh (or turn someone on), you're gonna work more. lol.

The film features such greats as Whoopi Goldberg, Lily Tomlin, Janeane Garofalo, Natasha Leggero, Aisha Tyler, Kim Wayans and is narrated by none other than the woman herself, Joan Rivers. 

Quotes:

"If I could choose between being beautiful or being funny, I'd choose beautiful. But don't tell [the other comedians featured] or it'll ruin the whole hour." - Joan Rivers

"The best advice ever given to me was fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. Don't come to my show and expect me to be anything other than what I am. You came to me." - Whoopi Goldberg

"Happy children should not become actors or performers because they don't have whatever that ache or that hollowness is or that need need is that produces whatever the juice is that makes for a performer's thing."

We Will See You Now

I really loved the last class and how we closed it up as a group. I love all the opportunities I've been given. And I love how honest and open I have become as an actor and a person. I know myself so much more and I am truly grateful for that.

I love what I get to do on camera and I hope to get better at it. I'm making a proclamation, I WILL be a series regular in the near future. (Hows about them cajones).

I've had classmates come up to me and comment on my work which sadly which in all honesty is a rarity. I am still getting to know myself and that's what I think is great. Truly. :D I'm so excited to see how far I wanna go. So much to finish up before the year is over, and so much to do afterwards.

As a sidebar, I am also really inspired by dancers. I need to get back to class for it asap.

Discovery

I loved having our visitor. He is a great teacher and he has an element of honest and realness that is so helpful to me. Honestly, I think it's just tied to where I am in my career as an actor, as a student. The more I embrace who I am, the more I work. So the more I get to know myself, the more I'll work. It's surprising, but I can see to contemporary actors who I love, the most honest, or gritty... work more. For example, Chandra Wilson on Grey's Anatomy.

I always say, if I have a career that last 10 years on tv, I'd be happy. But I wouldn't scoff at Viola Davis's career either. Although I'm nervous about how I'll progress, I'm also excited to embrace every opportunity thrown my way. :D

-Namaste  (lol i sound like a hippie)

Reflections on Presentations

What I found so fascinating about everyone's presentations, were that they all were so connected to the person they chose. It was so apparent what people were motivated by and how someone they admired was deeply rooted and connected to some aspect of their personality. Truly a feat!

I think the conversation about commercials was refreshing. I find that the more I stay around in this class and the more work that I do, I am reminded of how important it is for me to be a whole person. To embrace who I am and to let that embrace and love of myself be reflected in the work I do. I think only then, will I be able to handle the pressures and the craziness of this work. Yes. It's a journey!

A Balanced Life

I feel truly blessed right now by the opportunities that have been presented/offered to me. I think it's important to pin those things down in your memory to hold you over when one feels like not the best things are happening. That aside...

It's important for people to have a balanced, like, especially actors. Not because they stand alone as some special being, but rather because as an actor, I need to be able to identify what my needs are so that ensure mental and emotional stability, as best I can.

As such it's important that I

1. exercise or spend a significant portion of my day outside
2. read, read, read (topics related AND unrelated to acting)
3. travel several times a year
4. have other fun activities (hiking, cooking for people, laughing/hanging with others, dancing, writing, knitting, developing my company)
5. be in control of other avenues (read: developing my own company)
6. praying & church
7. teaching, mentoring, volunteering

ALSO. I recently discovered a hilarious book about the business of acting that is quite apt, witty, intelligent and honest and I would recommend to any actor with experience who has had some training. Not for the novice, but someone in it. 

"Acting Is A Job: Real-Life Lessons about the Acting Business" by Jason Pugatch

Write Your Own Way

In this clip, a young Kanye West, of pre-"College Dropout" fame, discusses his path to music. What I find so fascinating and truthful are two important things that are necessary for young artists to get.

1. He couldn't afford the best tools at first so he made do with what he COULD afford and used that as his starting mark 
2. He MADE his own beats and beats for other people, ensuring a way to finance his life in the meantime and allow himself a way to dedicate his free time to what he wanted to do, make music.

The old adage is tree, give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll live for a lifetime. As such, I've decided to do two really big things/starting projects. I read in an article during my trip about an artists who received the best advice from her father. And that advice was

• "Write fives (5) pages everday, whether it takes five (5) minutes or the entire day."

I think this is pretty good advice. Can't call yourself a writer if you aren't writing. And can't call yourself a filmmaker if you aren't filming. Can't call yourself an actress if you aren't acting. So, I've decided to write everyday, and put up a monologue from something once a week, one from my own writing, and another from some source I find online. They will feature things from as far as Yelp reviews, to inspirational pieces. And hopefully I'll learn a little bit about writing for the camera, acting on camera, and editing. (it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to get some would-be directors to assist me as well).

It Took Ang Lee Six (6) Years...

I was reading an article about Ang Lee's success. Director for such films as 'Life of Pi' and "Sense and Sensibility", it took him 6 years between when he graduated from NYU film school until the release of his first film, not even released in the United States, until he made it. He was 30, had two young children, a wife, and very little in the way of success. Oh, and did I mention that was classmates with another very famous director, Spike Lee. Here's a quote from the article...

"Much is made of genius and talent, but the foundation of any life where you get to realize your ambitions is simply being able to out-last everyone through the tough, crappy times — whether through sheer determination, a strong support network, or simply a lack of options."

That's what it comes down to really. How long can you make it. I especially liked the part in the article when Lee considered going back to school to learn computer programming so he coud help his wife, who was solely supporting the family, and she chastised him and told him to stay focused. Class act. Stay focused on your vision.

Link to article can be found here.

Wisdom from My Elders

People say over and over again, if you can do something else, do it. And people talk often of how rare it is for someone to make it. There's only one Oprah, one Ellen, one Angela Bassett and so forth and so on. There is only one. But, I can be that one. 

Right now, I am in my family's home before I fly out to do a bunch of auditions/callbacks for opportunities in the coming year. Sitting here, I relish in the truth that it can feel so safe here, even if it's not perfect. Even if I'm annoyed with a brother, aggravated by a mother, agitated by a sibling, it's still safe. I can close the door in the room I share with one of my sister's and let the world fly away. I can crawl atop the roof and watch the sun rise, or set. I can walk outside barefoot and feel the ground under my feet. I can get in my car and drive around not thinking about how much gas I'm using. 

But it's too safe. It's suffocating if I were to be here for too long. And yet, as dangerous as that is, the world and the dreams I have are just as volatile. And so often, I pray and meditate and think about the path that I have chosen... am choosing in the pursuit of strength. Because, for all intents and purposes, I am at the end of my classroom education really. How do I go forward. I've decided to do what I always do which is to focus on a hire calling, to pray, and to look to the advice of those trailblazers who have come before me, who have conquered bigger battles than I likely will. 

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "If you can't fly, run; if you can't run, walk; if you can't walk, crawl; but by all means keep moving."

And with that I know that I have to make a very, very big step in the next few months and certainly before the year is out. :D 

cue scream

Place Your Bets: The Numbers Game

Something I have been intrigued by lately is how do you up the ante' or you profile when it comes to getting cast. A classmate of mine made the very astute observation that although s/he had spend a lot of time in New York, they didn't do as much theater as they would have liked. In part, because they chose not to audition for the things they didn't want to do, they were very selective with their auditions. That being said, s/he also made the astute comment that, that's kind of dumb because it is a numbers game. And I think it is.

Pat McCorkle, a casting director for film, tv, and stage did an interview on NPR a few years back (in 2005 I think). I bring her up because Fran, our acting head, is bringing Pat in to work with us later this April. And based on what I heard from the interview I think in the end, the best way to approach auditioning, is less about booking a job (gasp. i know) but more as an opportunity to say hello and get to know a casting director.

Normally, the studio execs and the producers will attach a big-name movie star to a particular project. Once that occurs, the project is green-lit and THEN the casting director can get to work and filling in the rest of the picture. In regards to her casting for the remake of "Thomas Crowne Affair" with Pierce Brosnan, Pat says

"My job was to give them lists of people that I thought were--would be feasible with Pierce. John McTiernan did a brilliant job in directing that film, and it was very important to him that whoever played opposite him would be someone--a peer of his." [Nicole Kidman was originally going to play the Angelina Jolie role in Mr. and Mrs. Smith] Things change. People's popularity change, their availability changes, their profile changes, and it sometimes will change the film."

There are so many factors that go into casting, so many things that are sooooo far away from one's actual acting ability. It doesn't even really depend on you, but rather the right formula for whomever is already in the film. So perhaps the best thing is to just keep auditioning for the people who are in control as much as possible so that they can get a feel for you. They need to see the working you and the leisure/non-working you. THAT'S what they are going to think about with casting/pairing. The more times they see you, the more comfortable you get, the more they know you. It is a numbers game.

So just always show up and do what you do.

Now... what to do for work in the meantime? Make your own stuff?

Now... what to do for money in the meantime? Take an order? (oy vey)

Own Your Life

I have always gone for things that most people around me laugh at. On more than one occasion someone has commented "Nickclette, you're crazy" or "You are so bizzare" or "You are so unexpected." I take them all as compliments of course. I'd rather inspire someone because I was different, in a good way, than because I'm run of the mill.

And yet, it strikes me that so much about becoming an actor often means morphing into the ideal. Only with time and persistence do people come around to embrace the difference. When they are made to see why someone is special because they were unique and unlike anything else. I gravitate towards those types of people and hope that I am that type of person.

As such, it's no surprise to me that I was most drawn in by Deja's presentation. What a blessing it has been to have her in the class. I loved everything about what she had to say about director John Cassavetes.

• Tell the truth.
• Be indulgent with YOUR art
• Just do it. Do whatever it takes
• No excuses

It's really hard but at the same time it's that easy. Something that has been resonating in me for a while has been the reality that all I have to do for the rest of my life is do the things I enjoy and make sure I have enough money to do them. That's it. Granted, the things I want to do include making beautiful stories and helping people. But still, knowing that... it's oddly freeing in a way. There are so many things I want to do so why not spend the rest of my life doing that. I want to learn how to make my own films. I want to write and be published again. I want to inspire and motivate. I want to move audiences. I want to tell stories that are of substance. I want to be someone of substance. I am someone of substance. 

I need to make sure to be around the right people, and right environment to make it happen. People will always have something to say about what you do, but my path is my own. I must own my life.

Learning from Other Actors

Monday's batch of actor presentations were great. It made me both proud of who I chose, Whoopi Goldberg, and a wee bit jealous as well that other people didn't come to mind. What stuck out for all the presentations though were gems of advice that would be helpful to any actor/artist attempting to make it

• Just DO it. Don't ask questions, just do it.
• Just ASK
• FIND your people and you will work
• Be passionate, driven, and specific about your work
• No two paths are alike. 
• Untalented people MAKE IT
• Talented people MAKE IT
• Work/Create FOR YOURSELF
• GRAD SCHOOL experience is NOT INDICATIVE of your FUTURE
• GO to open-calls.

It's really hard to keep going especially when you look at the odds. But I think you just have to do it. And you will do it because, as short as life can be, it can be really long. And I think once you recognize what you enjoy doing, just attempt to keeping doing and finding ways to finance it. Sometimes they are one in the same and that's the real goal.

I am very much interested in crafting and working on my own material. I have already partnered with a produce and have ideas of who to cast for the project. I'm excited about making my own stuff. At times I think, does this make me a school rat? Why do I keep learning. But, honestly, the trajectory makes sense. I've wanted to make films since I was a teenager but was dissuaded for a number of reasons. But it is also nerve-wrecking. Who is going to watch my stuff? What makes my stuff worth it? There are so many projects out there!

But...

people do make. Each year tons of new faces are spotted, tons of old faces hit the jackpot, and tons of old faces retire. Why can't I be one? And I will be one. I must work my hardest to stay positive, energized, and balanced by having a life outside of acting too.

Actress/Actor Career Profile

I am formatting my list of potential people to chronicle. It's interesting to look at careers and discover what themes see to emerge in terms of what I'm attracted to. I don't necessarily look like any of them, which probably says a lot about what I think of my own beauty. They are all unique!

Sometimes I think it's I'm drawn to longevity, sometimes I'm attracted to originals/originators/ingenuity, sometimes I'm pulled in by immense talent that I hope to have one day. But what's in common for the people on my list is that they are true individuals, extremely talented, did not find a career the 'standard/typical' way, are largely female, and are in charge (to a high degree) of their careers at this/one point in their life.

• Whoopi Goldberg
• S. Epatha Merkerson
• Debbie Allen
• Phylicia Rashad
• Megan Mullaly
• Edie Falco
• Mindy Kalling
• Tiny Fey
• Amy Poeler
• Anna Deveare Smith
• Roseanne Barr
• Oprah Winfrey
• Tyler Perry

Is this list at all surprising? 

Geez.. how am I supposed to pick someone. 

PA : On the Set of 'Gorgeous' - Day 1

I arrived on-location for filming of the student film "Gorgeous" early this morning. I saw a few faces I recognized from the theater building and from friends of friends. It was nice to know that I was connected to the world of film and that my impulse to get more experience wasn't completely unfounded. There are plenty of others doing the same thing as I.

After the first round of introductions were made, I became chiefly aware of how little I knew about the actual equipment. It dawned on me that "no wonder on camera actors tend to take their time before the branch out to do their own projects." You don't know what have the stuff is called. I more than envied the undergrads I saw on set because I knew that many of them, from what I've gathered from my undergrad friends in the department, are double majors in both Theater and RTF (Radio-Television-Film). Their breathe of knowledge far exceeds my own.

Terms were being thrown around for equipment and I knew nothing. 10Ks, teenie-weenies, silkscreens, flags, and an array of other terms that I had no clue about which made me more than a little anxious. I mean when I told the producer of the project, a friend of mine, that I was a complete novice, I thought she'd get it. I really knew NOTHING.

But, not wanting to seem unintelligent and completely useless, I started listening very hard and paying attention to the people who seemed to know what they were doing. I did a lot of work with setting up the lights and began to find that I was actually quite useful. I was able to rig a few lights on my own to the point where the director called on one of the other PAs to stop messing with things and left the task to me. When a fuse blew, I was able to figure out why and fixed it. Also, my having a car helped a ton cause I could be of use to pick up a few things.

Being a producer means being God on set. You gotta make sure everything is functioning, everybody has what they need, and things move according to schedule. I've produced a play once and I started to remember how similar that experience was to this. I just didn't know the terminology, but the  mind set is the same.

I had to leave before they finished all the shots for the day, but I was able to pick up a more than enough knowledge. I did enjoy myself. I think when thrown into new experiences, I kind of flourish because I am working arduously to hide my ignorance AND I like learning new things! My brain gets a rush! (I'm a nerd!).

I seriously think all actors should spend a lot of time behind the scenes because you learn just how important everyone's job is, not just your's as an actor. And you realize how professional you need to be. You can just decide to cut or fuck it up cause you are not feeling it. Everyone is there to do a job. Albeit at times everyone experiences the "Hurry up and wait" feeling, you need to be able to do your job AS AN ACTOR and not muck up all the preparation done for your benefit. Yes, none of those other people have jobs without you, but you don't look good, without them.

I have more work to do with this project and I think I might try to get in a bunch more hours, even though I am quite exhausted, because I will be PA-ing another film next week, and I want to feel confident.. or not as dumb, because I don't think I will have as many familiar faces.

Getting Behind the Camera

If I'm really honest with myself, I would have probably double majored in my college's Film Department equivalent if I'd had clarity of focus, or the guts, or some other ephemeral combinations of traits. But I chose something else, a major that I did really enjoy pursuing and has grounded me in a certain worldview about life.

That being said, I have grown more passionate about my desire to create my own stories, own roles, and own tangible bits of art with each year that I grow older. I have always been really excited to be on set, whether for theater or for a camera. I have even made small forays into making mini films casting my family members into certain roles over the years and hit record, and edited later.

But I've decided, while I still have the resources available to me, I am going to try to get some behind the camera experience and see what, if anything, I like about the roles out there. And I start this weekend. It's probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done, but rather than wasting time just chillin' and sleeping during the free time I have over Spring Break, I might as well get some nifty experiences out of it. I'll chronicle my stories here, since in a way, it is related, and see what there is to be gained from it.

It's Routine

I enjoyed the work we did today. I feel like we are getting a lot accomplished. In part, hopefully because we are getting better. In part, because there are fewer people. There is much to be gained all around. I look forward to having the session on agents because I know I will gain a lot from it.

Here are a few things I took from our most recent class:

• Cops appear in everything, especially dramas. If you can play a cop well, you can pay your rent. 
• When playing a cop, or any job really, don't be stereotypical. It's routine.
• As a reminder: Don't play the end of the scene.
• No folded arms
• Keep it simple.
• Know what you can do. When you meet an agent, let them know you have a skill. (IE. I can play a cop really well)
• Accessories are you bread an butter. You can transform from high class to blue collar in a split second if you have them.

From watching other people, here is what I gained

• Be careful of too much exhalation of breath.
• Nonverbal, unplanned moments get you cast!
• Know the angles of your shot
• YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING FOR. Make a good choice. If they don't need you then, they may need you later.

Keepin' It Real

I enjoyed yesterday's scene. The way I approach each new work is now to

1. Read thru the script a few times
2. Read thru my part a few times
3. Read thru ONLY the OTHER part a few times
4. Make sure I have a grasp of what the OVERALL STORY is
5. And then, try to memorize.

I am continually surprised by how much I can memorize and hold on to for a few hours, which is good. One thing that is really sticking for me, however, is to make sure that I'm not focused on just my part, or counting my lines. I have to know the whole story, but more importantly, know AND listen to what the other person is saying. So many little things can/will be discovered if you are focused on doing that. Then it becomes more about a very real reaction, as opposed to producing a result.

What was hilarious and fascinating for me, was my response. It was a script about a dead body, but the logic of the character's story was quite laughable. And I just went with. I figured, it was something that was honestly happening within me. And, in all honesty, I figured that, at the very least, it's the kind of take that would be remembered. I just trusted what was happening and went with my gut.

Additionally, what I think it is important to make sure you have a different take in mind. One that is grounded in the text/scrip nonetheless. Having options for a director is smart. It is a part of the homework.

Other things I noticed.

• People look better, and tell more honest stories, when they are relaxed as actors (not necessarily as characters)
• I responded more to people who had an investment in something. It didn't need to be intense, but you can't just be in the scene "chillin". Something in the scene should have an impact on you.
• I look good in hoops, a hat, and a jacket. (LOL) 
• The more you stop trying to do, the better. For instance, I got REALLY distracted by people overly using their hands.
• MEMORIZE THE DAMN LINES. I know there are often a lot lines to know but... actors need to get better at memorizing. Simply put. I totally checked out when people had to keep looking down to pick up lines from their scripts. We NEED to see the actor's eyes and if your eyes are on the ground, people stop caring about you. I start to see the artifice, the "acting", as opposed to real moments.  

PS. SIDE BAR: 

1. [I realize that I haven't been putting my notes from the book in the posts so I'll go back to my notes and add them all in a post]
2. I am thinking that the person I use will be a combination of Whoopi Goldberg and someone else