It's Ok To Be An Asshole /  by *nickels*

The actor is often caught between a rock and a hard place. You are at the same time to be free and tell a truthful story, wherever it goes. At the same time, you know somewhere you must honor and respect the playwright, director, producer, designer.... a myriad of other personalities. And sometimes, its easy to get caught up in one place and not the other. It's a delicate line to tip toe.

While watching the scenes today, and thinking about 'the homework' that we did, I realized how important it is to

  1. trust your gut
  2. be open enough to try something out of the box, if it's supported in the text
  3. be responsible for being the actor and get notes later
It's tough. Many people saw the line "shy clerk" and it lead to what many would call "a state of being" which will not get you remembered or even be that fun for your audience to watch. When I did my scene, my intent was just to be helpful and do my job. I wanted to be relax and not do much of anything else. And I believed I achieved that. But, I still think I can do more. And I will strive to do that in the future.

It's ok to be an asshole. Not disrespectful, but make your own choice.

It's nice to see that my peers and are getting technical things down. Things like angles, lines, your space, who you are talking to. I wonder if a few other things could have been achieved as well. Such as
  1. Knowing if it's a comedy or a drama. And if knowing is even helpful?
  2. Which can help you establish what kind of person your character is.
  3. And add to the homework things that we KNOW but forger (ie, time a day, length of time at the job, satisfaction for the job, etc)
Other technical things that learn, based on the lights and the camera being used
  1. White and green are colors that work on me
  2. My face feels bloated (lol. does that count!?)

From Improv to Action /  by *nickels*

I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. When we got our first piece of copy, I must admit, I was thinking "I don't have enough time to learn all these lines!" But lo and behold, I was able to get them into my brain. It's a bit like cramming for an exam in high school. It will stick just enough for an hour or so which is all you really need in an audition like this.

After that, I began to have the feeling of being trapped in just learning the lines and sticking to that. So I reminded myself that I need to know the overall story/arc and to know 5 major points/things that need to happen. It felt more like the improv in a sense. I started to focus on where the shifts were and what I needed to get across.

Then, I remembered that I was talking to two people and I had to keep staging in mind all the while thinking about my point-of-view of both characters within the arc of the story and I was able to stage a simple scene.

It's kind of bizarre what elements started to come to me naturally. I guess things really are starting to stick in my head and that I'm learning something which is very exciting. At least learning enough not to be completely ignorant of what information you need when you are acting for the camera. The realization of such is exciting. I'm starting to believe that perhaps I do have my colors to myself and I can be funny. I had a good time working with the camera. Remembering that I don't need to do to much but just be in the circumstances with a clear understanding of my point of view is pretty simple.


  • To Work On:  Without seeing the footage, I think I need to work most on pulling out the crux/climax for my character in the scene and really let that be the thing that pops. If there is every a place of "doing" something or really pushing one point, it's that moment in the script that I can allow to ground myself.
  • Excited By:  Getting more practice working on commercial and film auditions. 
  • Want From The Class: I want practice with getting an actual agent. I don't know if it includes a mock meeting, or mock auditions, or discussion of what happens, but I'd like it. Maybe we could get someone to come in and talk to us about getting an agent? 



Next Steps /  by *nickels*

I had a good time this week in class. I'm not sure if it's cause I went first, or if it's because it was improv, or because I didn't care as much (because I just followed the story), or because I did good work I was told... but I had fun this week. I enjoyed the story we could tell. It reminded me of the training I've gotten of listening and responding truthfully given the circumstances you are given. I can see why some people become actors by not being actors. We all have a shared collection of common experiences. We all know what it feels like to be slighted... or be scared... to be nervous. And so we can tap into that. The more ease you have with it the better I believe.

But I will say that acting for the camera IS different than acting for the stage. The biggest reason is that the scale is different. After talking to one of my professors earlier last week, I came to one conclusion. The 'acting' part (or rather the being) is the same. For the stage, you have to be bigger because you have to tell the story to an entire room. But for the camera, the entire room already has the microscope, a screen. I don't think it makes what actors for the stage have to do any less, but I think it helps me, an actor who is more skilled at being on stage, when I think about transitioning.

A few other things:

  • Script Analysis is important. I've been learning that about the play we are doing. So, outline the 5 important things that happen in the scene and follow that arc. Don't tell another story.
  • Don't fight an obstacle you don't have (even in life)
  • The idea of not knowing the first line (I always use this as a trick up my sleeve. it gives you such rich storytelling at the top of the scene)
  • Listen and know what YOU want.
  • Audition is always a performance (DUH. I do this to because it helps me think I can really play. Granted, I do it cause I think I won't get cast... but that means.. I can give them the show of their lifetime.)
  • It all starts with the script (obviously!)
  • Neutral doesn't mean lazy. Just make your point of view specific!
I really want to be an actress, and I really want to do lots of tv and film and stage work. But it's hard thinking about all the other shit that the industry has. I'm not a model. At the end of the day... that's a big deal. But I wonder if there is a medium and if there is room for someone like me.

There's a girl from my hometown who just recently became a gold medalist at the Olympics in Track & Field this past summer. And she told me a story once. She said she was in her car with her dad and her dad asked her, "do you want to do this and be a winner, a star, or do you just want this to be a fun hobby?" And she wanted to be a winner. And from that moment on, she said one of the things she did was do 10,000 crunches a day because as a runner, her core is important. I laughed when she told me but it's serious. I know this industry needs all kinds of people in it. But if I know that it IS a look based industry... how much do I work to change my looks to be a star in it? And how much of that is a copout? I know so many people I look up to who worked on their skills... but also worked on their bodies to be seen on the camera. Ignoring that reality makes me naive at best. Tina Fey did it, Amy Poeler did it, Kerry Washington, Lisa Berry (Canadian actress) and even Jennifer Hudson. If THEY did it... what makes me think I shouldn't? I'm not saying I wanna change who I am but does it help or does it hurt?


Acceptance /  by *nickels*

I spoke with one of my old movement teachers later today and she helped me understand a very valid point. It did take me a while get better at acting for the stage. With each new class and each new performance I got better. Camera acting IS different and I can't rush the process. The best thing for me to do is accept and keep doing it. It'll take just as long. I can either spend money taking more classes, futz around on the camera with friends in a collective, or be lucky/get cast in a few projects and the first one's won't be so great.

I can't force it. I'll get there when I get there. And if I want it bad enough... it'll happen.

It didn't hurt that I spent the afternoon laughing at work. New favorite actress/comedian is Retta of Parks and Recreation fame.

And then I spent part of the afternoon teaching my students and seeing them light up and start to get it. When my director saw me she said I was glowing. Just goes to show you and remind me that the beginning is not the end.

And that I need to make sure to have multiple things going on my life. I'm working on making sure have other hobbies. Some creative - dancing, writing. Some unrelated to creativity - maybe bowling, or gardening, or tutoring. Just something else!

Inspiration /  by *nickels*

This list is purely for me to reflect on and remind myself of the direction that I am headed in.

Shonda Rhymes

Lynn Nottage

Katori Hall

Issa Rae

Regina Taylor

Danai Gurira

Oprah Winfrey

Alfre Woodard

Chandra Wilson

Debbie Allen

Anna Deveare Smith

Dael Orlandersmith


What Am I Doing In There?! /  by *nickels*

UGHHHHHHHHHHH! What am I doing in there?! Moment over.

I'm trying to find a way to not be down on myself about how well I'm doing in the camera class because I don't think I am doing very well at all. What the heck am I learning? Why isn't it sticking!? It often makes me think I should just be a stage actress.... but it's hard to support yourself that way. Maybe the more I do it you get better. Which is scary because it took me a while to feel confident on stage as an actress. I feel like I am in a holding pattern. Or I've plateaued. Or I've peaked.

At the very least, it was therapeutic to laugh from the amazingness and/or ridiculousness of my peers.

So... I guess I should frame my frustration with the language of... "here's a lesson I learned" and not.. "this is why I suck."


  • Actors need to have another life and other hobbies. Do the real thing because sometimes you will be cast because of your skill in another hobby
  • Don't wear baggy clothes. 
  • Do my hair from now on
  • My colors are not hunter green or any drab colors.. at least not for film auditions
  • Do look forward 
  • Avoid overuse of profile
  • Speak louder
  • Don't let someone leave the room
  • Do all of your homework and if you can't remember what it is, have a questionnaire so you can check off all the things you are doing
  • Know the arc of the story. (Beginning, Middle, End)
  • When you have a day-player role.. just do the thing.
  • Find a way to touch your scene partner... or almost touch
  • Do something fun after auditions/filming
  • Subtext
  • Subtext
  • Subtext

This Is Silly /  by *nickels*

Today I worked with keeping it simple. I think I did a little diservice to my work but I do think keeping it simple serves you well. I hope I am getting better at this acting for camera thing and I can know how to do it well. I think it just requires more practice.

As a side note, I'm still working on other writing/filming projects. And I also take new headshots this weekend. I want them to look like me and I want them to offer a great snapshot of a story.

Also, it's really interesting working on film and then working on the stage. You experience such different emotions or I do. I'm working through some stuff with my scene partner in the show I'm doing and I am hoping I can tell a really good story and let the characters be in charge and not just me, the actor.

Self-Made /  by *nickels*

I have these bouts of intense and utter lack of bravery...confidence...chutzpah. It usually happens after I watch some brilliant film and then I proceed to think about the prospect of moving to New York or LA to pound the pavement.

Today: I watched "The Help." (the move really is brilliant and Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Cicely Tyson, Cissy Spacek, Jessica Chastain, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Allison Janey, just to name a few... break my heart every time)

Afterthought: God I want to do that. Just skip the middle step and move to LA or NYC

Cue: anxiety > hyperventilating > tears > anger/depression... lol

It's hard out there. The reality is, a lot of an actor's life is about "will they pick me," "am I good enough," "do I look like what they want." And consequently, "why don't they want me," "why am I not good enough," "will I ever be chosen?" That's a tough life. How many times in life do we take for granted the simple satisfaction we get from getting a recipe right if you're a chef, helping a student get a math problem right, if you're a teacher, or making your child feel better by hugging them, if you're a parent.

But with acting, you could do everything right... and it still not matter. That's so infuriating! People keep reminding me that there's enough for everyone and that you never know, but it seems a tad false.

Part of it, for me is coming to terms with or thinking that who I am and what I look like is in complete opposition to what is desired. So I start telling myself, I'm a smart mature woman. Is this really the best choices? I could do other things. Why not be practical about it?

I just know it would be in the back of my head that I want to create. Which means, I know my next move is to save as much money as I can and live in a place where I have the opportunity to create.

So I channeled my anger and I went to my laptop and I started typing furiously. I just wrote and wrote and wrote. And I finished writing my first full play! Now, I've written chunks of a pieces before and edited it, but I've never sat myself down and fully completed a play. I feel great and scared but I created something. And yes it will need edits and may eventually never see the light of day. But, something I made exists in the world! And I can cast it, and get designers, and film it and have it exist. I have a say. I chose it, I didn't have to wait to be chosen. :D I'm on the write track here lol. My family always said I was a writer and so have others.

Now I just have to keep praying for a huge sign about the next step. Here's hoping

I'm On TV Ya'll! /  by *nickels*

I was having a bit of a humdrum day, one of those I'm crying then I'm laughing days. And as I was browsing through Hulu, I saw that there was a new episode of "The Lying Game" on. I don't watch the ABC Family show but I did do some extra work for them this summer which was cool.

Then I saw myself on the screen.

AH!!!

Cue emailing my sisters, giving them the exact minutes I was on, and then feeling like a huge goober because I didn't have any lines. But it was exciting and I'm going to own it and claim it. And I look forward to more experiences as such.

I've been on a television show.

#boom.

-EaseWaySays.

Friend's In High Places /  by *nickels*

I'm experiencing a new phenomenon. And it's odd, because I don't think I ever prepared myself for it. How can you really? What worse, very few people in my life right now can assist me with this specific reality. I'm just a girl from Texas who's Nigerian American.


That moment when you see your friend or an old classmate on tv.


Faceplant.


Is that her? Is he in a Sundance film? Did she book a series regular role on sitcom? That cannot be her in that episode of 30 Rock?

I'm seeing my friends on television and in films and it's weird! And exciting. And I'm proud. But...


I'm not on tv. Not yet anyway.


And I will be. Gotta call it into existence. Amen!

Sanity /  by *nickels*

How on earth do actors remain sane? Do they? Currently, I struggle with how I feel about acting. I think part of it has to do with the reality that I'll be graduating soon and have to face Life As An Actor. 

 I don't find myself enjoying the process anymore and I feel really uncomfortable and anxious about it. Watching playback, I hate the sound of my voice, I hate the way I look and I hate the way I act.

When we were in the hallway, we had several conversations that affected me in very real ways. Some were funny and others left me feeling sad. The role called for being super peppy and I just wasn't feeling it in the moment. And I was annoyed that I wasn't feeling it because at the end of the day.... if I'm an actor... I need to feel whatever the script/director calls for. That's what they pay me to do. But if I don't honor my truth, I'm going to tell a flawed story, a lie... and it probably won't be as good. What would be good would be whatever I was at my core.

So then I thought about going into the audition room with the idea of not getting the job, as in actively trying NOT to get it. Maybe that would be effective. Absolutely not caring. Especially since it's a 'type' I have, or so I've been told. But as I go forward, what kind of sense does that make?! I'm not wealthy and I certainly don't have a support network to rely on, i.e. free food and board in NYC, LA, or Chicago. I don't have that luxury.

And then I thought about the fact that of my classmates, the same people always look attractive on camera and are always good and how they were always "booking the job" or "getting a callback." And it wasn't me. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a film actor?

Sure, it was reassuring to know that everyone seemed to be feeling the same way, but that doesn't do anything for my confidence it just made me want to stop caring.

And then, we started talking about issues relating to race and the film industry and the notion surrounding "White is right." One of my classmates made the very honest comment "it's because of thinking like that that makes it hard for people like me to get jobs." I feel the same way. In every other career in the world, it seems, you can progress and feel like your worth improves as you age. There are very tangible things that let you know you are good, getting better, and can make a life for yourself. Not for actors. Not for actresses. Not for black actresses who don't look like Halle Berry. There are Viola Davis' and Angela Bassett's but they are few and far between and even they struggle to be given work that is on par with their gifts and skills. What my classmate said was true and it's depressing. I was reminded again that I will ALWAYS be given the short end of the stick. How do you stay positive with that truth? How have actors done it? Do they ever do it? Am I forever doomed?

They must have other things in their lives to give them balance. Happiness. Validation. I have such unease about the whole thing and I can feel it in my body. I'm turning to faith and trying to repeat that God has a plan and that the universe takes care of things. But.. sometimes really ugly sad things still happen.

I would hate to have a life filled with struggling and never catching up. This is why I want to make television and films. I need to be in charge or at least have power. I don't want to be dissected, barely an afterthought to someone who makes decisions especially if I just happen to have hair they hate or skin they don't find attractive. We all struggle with attempting to assert some sort of power and control over our lives. How do you accept that you never will. There are so many cards stacked against me.
what gives me the right to keep pushing? A lot of talented people don't make it? Why would I?

Entering a career that is so critical, judgmental and laissez-faire about who's "it" really unnerves me. I want to find balance, I want to be happy, and I want to be sane. Can I be an artist and still be happy? Or are the two not mutually exclusive?

Chill Out /  by *nickels*

It really doesn't matter. When I approached my day-player role this week, I decided it would be best to approach it from self. I feel like with film, ultimately, it's YOU that they are casting. Yes I understand being transformative is important, and knowing how to act is important, but being you is also great.  And being confident and honoring whatever choice makes sense to YOU.

Still learning.

I will make it!

Trivial Pursuit? /  by *nickels*

Working on camera can be so humbling. Actually, being an actress, can be so humbling. I really do appreciate having the chance to see myself on camera. And, I love that it appears that my classmates and I can learn from one another AND laugh from one another. What a rarity.

All the same, all those little doubts crept up as I watched myself on film. Gosh, it is truly an unforgiving medium, and for someone who doesn't see myself as having the industry's standards, what am I today? Even people who aren't anywhere near LA and know nothing about the industry have told me on and on about "ok so there's (INSERT CITY/STATE/CONTINENT) pretty, and then there's LA pretty."

Ugh! I ain't no Angelina. So who will I be to this industry? Am I castable? As what? Why's my face so huge? Why are they calling me lovely? Why does everyone seem to think the camera likes me? All these questions kept coming into my head 'cause I certainly didn't know the answers to any of them.

As I move forward, I don't want these thoughts in my head because that blocks me from doing the work and being comfortable and relaxed. It took me awhile to get over it for theater and now here comes film. I think ultimately, everyone, actors or non-actors, choose to do whatever it is they see necessary to feel as confident and comfortable as they can to do the work they want to do and have the life the want to have. Unfortunately, history has shown us that it's not always a healthy pursuit and no one is guaranteed happiness.

And it's on this thought on the eve of graduation that I close. Am I meant for New York? Do I look like LA? Is Chicago where it's at? Or is Dallas/New Orleans/Atlanta where I'll find happiness? Where do I belong in this industry?

Should I stay or should I go?

-EaseWay

KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) /  by *nickels*

Acting for the camera and acting for theater, albeit both tell stories, both require vastly different techniques in telling them. We keep being confronted with the difference in the mediums in class. Today we finished looking at our auditions and then proceeded to audition for day-player roles which was really fun. I relish any chance I have to get as close to a 'real-life' situation, because, let's be honest, I'm in professional school, and if my school isn't preparing me for the professional worlds... what's the point.

What I appreciate about film acting is the importance of the moment and simplicity. Not to devalue rehearsal time or the work we put into telling a great story, but understanding, for the camera, it's completely a different beast. One of the things that I really took from this class was that in all earnest, everyone at the casting table and beyond will put whatever assumptions they have, based on their cultural experiences, onto you. The only thing you can do is be great at the work and tell the story with a clear action and point-of-view.

Which, is why I am really adamant about creating my own work. I would be in control and can ensure great storytelling from my perspective. And... I'd have a job of course.

Other tidbits.

  • It does matter who you're talking to.
  • If you're left in the script, you are important to the story; at the same time, if you are not (co/guest)starring, it's not about your, it's about the story.
I'm out.

-Easeway

Why's That Camera In My Face! /  by *nickels*


I was beyond nervous about our first film experience. Issues aside about what I think about what I look like but.... it's been so long since I've done contemporary monologues for an audition. AHH. If I think about how Olympic athletes train, it makes me wonder about my own approach to my craft. But... moving on! I was nervous and I felt so guilty that I didn't have a brand new piece. Oddly enough, because I don't do it often and I've gotten so many notes on it before, I was a little uncomfortable.

It was really amazing to see my peers work! I really am going to miss seeing them grow and having this constant group of talented artists to look forward to. I like being reminded of important things that actors need to always keep in their toolkit. Character work. Ease. Honesty. Moment-to-moment. 

And then I went up and I was like... 'fuck it.' I once had a teacher tell me that in auditions, you have to take it simply and slowly. Not at a snail's pace, but let each moment happen. There's a reason that a character keeps talking and as actors, we need to let ourselves notice. What was oddly wonderful about performing my pieces, was that it was a little different both times and I was able to discover new things. I'm looking forward to seeing my footage and the feedback. (I say that now). 

Tech things I noticed.
  1. Know your frame
  2. I have fairly dark brown skin. I know this is amusing, but comparatively, from the still I saw, I am as brown as they come. It just surprises me because I know darker skinned people and still, I look BROWN ON CAMERA. 
  3. Green background is sympathetic
  4. Use the class to figure out what make up and hair things work for me. Sometimes I think my mane is wild... EVERYONE ELSE loves it. 
As I side note... a couple of great quotes from class. 

"I can't do more than that. I only have one level."  - Isn't that so true! It's like another way to say, I am what I am. 

"Barney says it's ok, it just means it's going to a different place." -LOL.

"Doesnt matter if you sit or stand." -TheBoss

"All about your eyes." -TheBoss

In The Beginning... /  by *nickels*

Upon entering the class I was rather anxious. Although I looked forward to reuniting with my classmates, I was nervous at what our Camera Class Teacher, Sally, would have to say about me. In this industry, and particular in the experiences I have had training as an actor, I always feel like ... I AM the short end of the stick. But, amid Sally's truthfulness, passion, and intelligence, especially as a person with an artistic soul working in an industry that I truly do want to be a part of... successfully... very successfully, my wall's came crumbling down. I was reminded of how diverse a group of peers I have and how we have all managed to become this wonderfully spicy group of personas. I was reminded of how much I want to be in control of my work and have the power to make work with the introduction of a wonderful new nugget to the mix. And I was reminded of how much I desire to learn about making and portraying stories on film and on stage. But I was also reminded that time is passing and that I am aging. 

As we approach the coming days in this class, I can't deny that those fears will continue to emerge. Will I be revealed for a phony? Will I be the ill-fated stage actor who can't transition to film? Or will I fail to grow? So many questions. And the larger looming one is, is the camera actually made for someone who looks like me. Hollywood... the media.. the power's that be, make no denial about what they find attractive and I know, in spite of all the self-empowerment tactics I may use or the constant reminders from my family that I am 'actually the pretty one, I'm also not white, not thin, have wavy hair, or am a size two. They say there's room for everyone. But does the camera really pick up the whole room, or just a piece of it?

Eaze Way.