I have these bouts of intense and utter lack of bravery...confidence...chutzpah. It usually happens after I watch some brilliant film and then I proceed to think about the prospect of moving to New York or LA to pound the pavement.
Today: I watched "The Help." (the move really is brilliant and Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Cicely Tyson, Cissy Spacek, Jessica Chastain, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Allison Janey, just to name a few... break my heart every time)
Afterthought: God I want to do that. Just skip the middle step and move to LA or NYC
Cue: anxiety > hyperventilating > tears > anger/depression... lol
It's hard out there. The reality is, a lot of an actor's life is about "will they pick me," "am I good enough," "do I look like what they want." And consequently, "why don't they want me," "why am I not good enough," "will I ever be chosen?" That's a tough life. How many times in life do we take for granted the simple satisfaction we get from getting a recipe right if you're a chef, helping a student get a math problem right, if you're a teacher, or making your child feel better by hugging them, if you're a parent.
But with acting, you could do everything right... and it still not matter. That's so infuriating! People keep reminding me that there's enough for everyone and that you never know, but it seems a tad false.
Part of it, for me is coming to terms with or thinking that who I am and what I look like is in complete opposition to what is desired. So I start telling myself, I'm a smart mature woman. Is this really the best choices? I could do other things. Why not be practical about it?
I just know it would be in the back of my head that I want to create. Which means, I know my next move is to save as much money as I can and live in a place where I have the opportunity to create.
So I channeled my anger and I went to my laptop and I started typing furiously. I just wrote and wrote and wrote. And I finished writing my first full play! Now, I've written chunks of a pieces before and edited it, but I've never sat myself down and fully completed a play. I feel great and scared but I created something. And yes it will need edits and may eventually never see the light of day. But, something I made exists in the world! And I can cast it, and get designers, and film it and have it exist. I have a say. I chose it, I didn't have to wait to be chosen. :D I'm on the write track here lol. My family always said I was a writer and so have others.
Now I just have to keep praying for a huge sign about the next step. Here's hoping
Today: I watched "The Help." (the move really is brilliant and Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Cicely Tyson, Cissy Spacek, Jessica Chastain, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Allison Janey, just to name a few... break my heart every time)
Afterthought: God I want to do that. Just skip the middle step and move to LA or NYC
Cue: anxiety > hyperventilating > tears > anger/depression... lol
It's hard out there. The reality is, a lot of an actor's life is about "will they pick me," "am I good enough," "do I look like what they want." And consequently, "why don't they want me," "why am I not good enough," "will I ever be chosen?" That's a tough life. How many times in life do we take for granted the simple satisfaction we get from getting a recipe right if you're a chef, helping a student get a math problem right, if you're a teacher, or making your child feel better by hugging them, if you're a parent.
But with acting, you could do everything right... and it still not matter. That's so infuriating! People keep reminding me that there's enough for everyone and that you never know, but it seems a tad false.
Part of it, for me is coming to terms with or thinking that who I am and what I look like is in complete opposition to what is desired. So I start telling myself, I'm a smart mature woman. Is this really the best choices? I could do other things. Why not be practical about it?
I just know it would be in the back of my head that I want to create. Which means, I know my next move is to save as much money as I can and live in a place where I have the opportunity to create.
So I channeled my anger and I went to my laptop and I started typing furiously. I just wrote and wrote and wrote. And I finished writing my first full play! Now, I've written chunks of a pieces before and edited it, but I've never sat myself down and fully completed a play. I feel great and scared but I created something. And yes it will need edits and may eventually never see the light of day. But, something I made exists in the world! And I can cast it, and get designers, and film it and have it exist. I have a say. I chose it, I didn't have to wait to be chosen. :D I'm on the write track here lol. My family always said I was a writer and so have others.
Now I just have to keep praying for a huge sign about the next step. Here's hoping