How on earth do actors remain sane? Do they? Currently, I struggle with how I feel about acting. I think part of it has to do with the reality that I'll be graduating soon and have to face Life As An Actor.
I don't find myself enjoying the process anymore and I feel really uncomfortable and anxious about it. Watching playback, I hate the sound of my voice, I hate the way I look and I hate the way I act.
When we were in the hallway, we had several conversations that affected me in very real ways. Some were funny and others left me feeling sad. The role called for being super peppy and I just wasn't feeling it in the moment. And I was annoyed that I wasn't feeling it because at the end of the day.... if I'm an actor... I need to feel whatever the script/director calls for. That's what they pay me to do. But if I don't honor my truth, I'm going to tell a flawed story, a lie... and it probably won't be as good. What would be good would be whatever I was at my core.
So then I thought about going into the audition room with the idea of not getting the job, as in actively trying NOT to get it. Maybe that would be effective. Absolutely not caring. Especially since it's a 'type' I have, or so I've been told. But as I go forward, what kind of sense does that make?! I'm not wealthy and I certainly don't have a support network to rely on, i.e. free food and board in NYC, LA, or Chicago. I don't have that luxury.
And then I thought about the fact that of my classmates, the same people always look attractive on camera and are always good and how they were always "booking the job" or "getting a callback." And it wasn't me. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a film actor?
Sure, it was reassuring to know that everyone seemed to be feeling the same way, but that doesn't do anything for my confidence it just made me want to stop caring.
And then, we started talking about issues relating to race and the film industry and the notion surrounding "White is right." One of my classmates made the very honest comment "it's because of thinking like that that makes it hard for people like me to get jobs." I feel the same way. In every other career in the world, it seems, you can progress and feel like your worth improves as you age. There are very tangible things that let you know you are good, getting better, and can make a life for yourself. Not for actors. Not for actresses. Not for black actresses who don't look like Halle Berry. There are Viola Davis' and Angela Bassett's but they are few and far between and even they struggle to be given work that is on par with their gifts and skills. What my classmate said was true and it's depressing. I was reminded again that I will ALWAYS be given the short end of the stick. How do you stay positive with that truth? How have actors done it? Do they ever do it? Am I forever doomed?
They must have other things in their lives to give them balance. Happiness. Validation. I have such unease about the whole thing and I can feel it in my body. I'm turning to faith and trying to repeat that God has a plan and that the universe takes care of things. But.. sometimes really ugly sad things still happen.
I would hate to have a life filled with struggling and never catching up. This is why I want to make television and films. I need to be in charge or at least have power. I don't want to be dissected, barely an afterthought to someone who makes decisions especially if I just happen to have hair they hate or skin they don't find attractive. We all struggle with attempting to assert some sort of power and control over our lives. How do you accept that you never will. There are so many cards stacked against me.
what gives me the right to keep pushing? A lot of talented people don't make it? Why would I?
Entering a career that is so critical, judgmental and laissez-faire about who's "it" really unnerves me. I want to find balance, I want to be happy, and I want to be sane. Can I be an artist and still be happy? Or are the two not mutually exclusive?
I don't find myself enjoying the process anymore and I feel really uncomfortable and anxious about it. Watching playback, I hate the sound of my voice, I hate the way I look and I hate the way I act.
When we were in the hallway, we had several conversations that affected me in very real ways. Some were funny and others left me feeling sad. The role called for being super peppy and I just wasn't feeling it in the moment. And I was annoyed that I wasn't feeling it because at the end of the day.... if I'm an actor... I need to feel whatever the script/director calls for. That's what they pay me to do. But if I don't honor my truth, I'm going to tell a flawed story, a lie... and it probably won't be as good. What would be good would be whatever I was at my core.
So then I thought about going into the audition room with the idea of not getting the job, as in actively trying NOT to get it. Maybe that would be effective. Absolutely not caring. Especially since it's a 'type' I have, or so I've been told. But as I go forward, what kind of sense does that make?! I'm not wealthy and I certainly don't have a support network to rely on, i.e. free food and board in NYC, LA, or Chicago. I don't have that luxury.
And then I thought about the fact that of my classmates, the same people always look attractive on camera and are always good and how they were always "booking the job" or "getting a callback." And it wasn't me. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a film actor?
Sure, it was reassuring to know that everyone seemed to be feeling the same way, but that doesn't do anything for my confidence it just made me want to stop caring.
And then, we started talking about issues relating to race and the film industry and the notion surrounding "White is right." One of my classmates made the very honest comment "it's because of thinking like that that makes it hard for people like me to get jobs." I feel the same way. In every other career in the world, it seems, you can progress and feel like your worth improves as you age. There are very tangible things that let you know you are good, getting better, and can make a life for yourself. Not for actors. Not for actresses. Not for black actresses who don't look like Halle Berry. There are Viola Davis' and Angela Bassett's but they are few and far between and even they struggle to be given work that is on par with their gifts and skills. What my classmate said was true and it's depressing. I was reminded again that I will ALWAYS be given the short end of the stick. How do you stay positive with that truth? How have actors done it? Do they ever do it? Am I forever doomed?
They must have other things in their lives to give them balance. Happiness. Validation. I have such unease about the whole thing and I can feel it in my body. I'm turning to faith and trying to repeat that God has a plan and that the universe takes care of things. But.. sometimes really ugly sad things still happen.
I would hate to have a life filled with struggling and never catching up. This is why I want to make television and films. I need to be in charge or at least have power. I don't want to be dissected, barely an afterthought to someone who makes decisions especially if I just happen to have hair they hate or skin they don't find attractive. We all struggle with attempting to assert some sort of power and control over our lives. How do you accept that you never will. There are so many cards stacked against me.
what gives me the right to keep pushing? A lot of talented people don't make it? Why would I?
Entering a career that is so critical, judgmental and laissez-faire about who's "it" really unnerves me. I want to find balance, I want to be happy, and I want to be sane. Can I be an artist and still be happy? Or are the two not mutually exclusive?