I am a worrier by nature... well my present nature. I don't think think I was always this way and I certainly hope not to be when I hit 30/35/30. (Everyone always talks about hitting those ages as this amazing time of "don't-give-any-fucks" with such joy and serenity. But that's where I sit now. And I don't like it. I really don't like it. It can be immensely overwhelming to think about how something, someone, some choice from your past may detrimentally affect your future. Hell, by the sheer virtue of my blackness, I may not get a job from some company. And what if I really wanted that job!? Or, the fact that I went to Harvard makes people give me a second glance, as if some institution makes you better? I mean, I'll take that advantage, but that doesn't guarantee me anything. Or, what about that potentially infamous picture that's on Facebook (don't go looking for it) that some "frenemy" won't take down? Or, that one time I....... Or, the fact that I am pro-choice (not pro-terminate)... but pro-choice and I decide to express the values? So forth and so on. I won't divulge every victory or failure of my past of which in the latter there are many... but you see how my mind works?
The only solution I've found on my worst day seems trivial... and on my best day seems life- affirming.
- Say/Pray something to God/Higher Power/Heavens/Universe
- Connecting with good, honest people with whom you can talk and fellowship
- Be outside in nature listening to the little miracles, ie birds chirping, wind blowing, rain drops hitting the ground, bugs trynna bite me (I think I may have been a tree in another lifetime. HA!)
- Writing
- And recite the serenity prayer. Like a lot. Like.. to the point where my shoulders relax. Reminding myself that I can't control everything and attempting to, will surmount in a massive panic attack.
So in the meantime, I'm going to work on things I CAN control, like publishing a book of monologues this fall, and keepin it movin'. Cause when it comes to worry.... "ain't nobody got time for that."
